Curious about my hottest wellbeing tip and why more people aren’t using it?

What if I told you that there was a psychological strategy so valuable in promoting wellbeing, that reviewers have described its consistently positive results as “boring”?  I bet you’re probably equal measures interested and sceptical.  Imagine I also tell you that an eight-week program of regular practise reduced stress and anxiety, promoted oxytocin and serotonin, and those recipients reported higher levels of happiness. optimism and satisfaction (Germer and Neff, 2019).  You’d want in, right?

It's interesting then, that many people, when they learn that this strategy is self-compassion, experience a little (or a lot!) of resistance.  It’s as though, as health professionals, we have an expectation that our compassion is for others, and not for ourselves.  (Almost like there is a finite supply of compassion – even though this is the things that caring professionals often share with others most often).  Why then, aren’t we more self-compassionate?

Unfortunately, culturally we have inherited a set of beliefs that self-compassion is associated with being soft on yourself, or selfish and self-indulgent and that it will undermine motivation.  People often believe that self-compassion will make them weak or less effective.  What is interesting is how pervasively these beliefs exist, despite evidence demonstrating that self-compassion actually enhances not only motivation, but also persistence and reduces fear of failure. 

Despite this, the message of ‘no pain, no gain’ has pervaded the way that we speak to ourselves. 

For me, this was reflected in my inner dialogue that was demanding and critical.  Faced with a seemingly insurmountable list of reports to write in no time, my self-talk pointed out that other psychologists would be on top of this, it was my fault and that when AHPRA found out, I’d be deregistered.  Sometimes even, there was some name calling thrown in for extra motivation – lazy, useless, not good enough. 

When I speak to people about the way that they speak to themselves, the common initial response is that they feel they need this tough love approach to get going and keep going and to get good results (thanks culture!).  What I like to share though is that this bossy, pushy and sometimes even mean way of speaking to ourselves creates additional stress.  And this makes it harder for us.  Seriously! 

When you label, judge, or compare yourself negatively, your nervous system perceives this as a threat.  The sympathetic nervous system is activated, and the body is flooded with cortisol and adrenalin to deal with the danger of how we speak to ourselves (aka the sabre tooth tiger in your head).

I love that self-compassion acts as a reliable antidote to the stress response, regulating and resetting the nervous system.  At my most challenging and confronting times, out of all the psychological strategies I’ve taught and used over the years, self-compassion is the ally that helps me most.

Self-compassion works by activating the caregiving system of our mammalian brain.  That part of our brain that responds to soothing tone, gentle touch and loving kindness by reducing cortisol and activating the parasympathetic nervous system response.  You see, the nervous system doesn’t distinguish between kindness from someone else or ourselves.  It just identifies the safety felt in this care and connection.

Kristen Neff (the seminal researcher and teacher of self-compassion) talks about the three doorways to practising self-compassion.  These are mindfulness (being present with the difficult emotions or body sensations); common humanity (recognising we are not alone and that all humans suffer) and loving kindness (providing ourselves with the nurturing and protection) that we need.  This framework can really help when you struggle with being compassionate to yourself, because so many of us do.

Many of the health professionals I have worked with have literally squirmed with discomfort and resistance when they first offer themselves self-compassion.  If you relate to this, I suggest first focussing less on the words, and more on the tone of voice. Imagine soothing a small, distressed child.  The pitch, rhythm and prosody of your voice make all the difference, not what you say.  Try this for yourself! 

Touch is also a powerful soothing gesture, try placing you hand on your heart, or stroking your arm and face.  Doing this with the intention to offer comfort, like you would to a loved one.  The skin is our largest organ, and touching it with loving kindness is powerfully regulating.  My favourite is arms across my chest, holding and rubbing the opposite upper arm.  Finding what works for you can take practice. 

A final tip here for those who want to access the benefits of self-compassion, but struggle.  Remember to be kind to yourself in your learning and resistance.  This is a type of doubling dosing of self-compassion.  When it’s uncomfortable or challenging, it doesn’t mean you’re doing it wrong or should stop.  This is an invitation to double up on the compassion for yourself during the change process.  Remember, to reach out if you would like some help with this. 

Germer, C. & Neff, K. (2019). Teaching the Mindful Self-Compassion Program: A Guide for Professionals. New York: Guilford Press.